


Robot Scootaloo

by Alara J Rogers (AlaraJRogers)



Category: Dr. Tran, Family Guy, Monty Python's Flying Circus, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Robot Chicken, Weird Al Yankovic (Musician)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Metafiction, Other, Parody, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:10:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 9,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5657329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlaraJRogers/pseuds/Alara%20J%20Rogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Scootaloo falls off her scooter, Discord "rescues" her, turns her into a cyborg and makes her watch bad fanfic. Parody of "Robot Chicken", and also of a lot of bad fanfics. Many other parodies may turn up as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Alive!

"Owww!" 

In her attempt to dodge the enclosed carriage careening drunkenly through the streets of Ponyville, Scootaloo fell off her scooter and into a rocky ditch. "Ow ow ow that's gonna smart even worse tomorrow ow!" She felt her head, where it felt like a rock had slammed into the orbit of her skull, just above her eye. "I think I'm bleeding ow ow ow. And my knee! And my other knee! And my wing! Ow." 

As she sat in the ditch contemplating her various ows and how very ow they all were, something unexpectedly scooped her into the air. "Scooterpie! Oh, you poor, dear little chicken, what a terrible accident! I must fix you at once!" 

Scootaloo squirmed around to face the most-likely-totally-insincere owner of that voice. "Discord! What the hay are you _doing?_ " 

"Language, my little chickadee," Discord said, holding Scootaloo in the air effortlessly with one paw. "Now that you've had your tragic, _tragic_ accident—" 

"I just fell off my scooter onto some rocks. I do it all the time!" 

"—I must take you to my laboratory at once to fix you!" 

"I don't need fixing! And—wait, _laboratory?_ You have one of those?" 

"Why, if Rainbow Dash were to see you in this _horrifying_ state, she would cry! And I am _assured_ by the mare herself that if she were ever to do anything as uncool as crying, the world would end! Quickly, little chicken! We need to attend to your injuries at _once_ , to SAVE THE WORLD!" 

"I am not a chicken!" Scootaloo complained. 

"I suppose you are somewhat reminiscent of an emu, now that I look." 

"A _what?_ " 

Without warning they were in a laboratory that looked like it came straight out of a comic book. Blinky lights, test tubes oozing green slime, strange looking devices... and a table, which Discord strapped Scootaloo down on before she could protest. "Hey!" 

"Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit." 

He reached down with some sort of metal blinking something or other and touched her injured eye. 

"It's alive!" he shouted gleefully. 

"Of course I'm alive! I just fell off my scooter!" Scootaloo tried to blink and found that only her good eye could close; the other eye was stuck open. "What did you _do?_ " she asked frantically. 

"Why, I've made you into a robot! Well, technically cyborg, but robot sounds better." 

"A _what?_ " 

"No, not a what, a robot! Or technically cyborg. Here, have a look!" He conjured a mirror. The left side of Scootaloo's face was now covered with a partial mask of black metal, and where her eye had been was a glowing light that appeared to shine a beam, like a very narrow flashlight. 

"Huh. That looks pretty cool, actually." 

"And now for the important part!" Discord ripped the restraints off Scootaloo, picked her up and dumped her in a chair in front of what looked like two dozen screens. He then strapped her forehooves to the arms of the chair. 

"Discord, what the hay are you _doing?_ " 

"Isn't it obvious?" He brandished some sort of little black boxlike device at her, making Scootaloo recoil. "I'm preparing you to watch bad fanfic!" 

"To _what?_ " 

"You keep saying what. That word, I do not think it means what you think it means." 

"What does it mean, then?" 

"Never mind. Watch the show!" 

He pressed a button on the box, and the screens lit up. 

ROBOT SCOOTALOO  
WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY ALARA ROGERS  
WITH VOICES PROVIDED BY THE REGULAR CAST OF MY LITTLE PONY  
GUEST STARRING JOHN DE LANCIE AND WEIRD AL YANKOVIC  
AND OCCASIONALLY SETH GREEN  
BUT NOT SETH MACFARLANE BECAUSE HE'S A DICK  
EXCEPT IN ONE OR TWO OF THE GUEST SHOTS  
MY LITTLE PONY CREATED AND OWNED BY HASBRO  
ROBOT CHICKEN CREATED AND OWNED BY STUPID MONKEY PRODUCTIONS  
NO ACTUAL CHICKENS WERE MADE INTO ROBOTS DURING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS PARODY 

_*fwwwt*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... don't take any of this seriously.
> 
> Parody of Robot Chicken from Adult Swim, plus a lot of other things.
> 
> The fwwwt sound effect is my best attempt to render the sound of the channel being changed, used at the end of each Robot Chicken micro-skit to signal a change to a new skit.


	2. What Could Go Wrong?

"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" 

"I don't know about this," Spike moaned. 

Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. Nothing went wrong. 

"See?" Twilight said. "I told you!" 

_*fwwwt*_


	3. A Random Brony Goes To Equestria

"I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me! The end." 

_*fwwwt*_


	4. Chapter 4

_Rating: Teen And Up Audiences_  
_Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply_  
_Category: M/F_  
_Relationships: Discord/Fluttershy_  
_Characters: Fluttershy, Discord (My Little Pony), Pinkie Pie, A Random Brony  
__Tags: Comedy, Random, Romance_

_Summary:  Fluttershy is falling in love with Discord. Will he return her love? FLUTTERCORD_

Fluttershy was worried. Ever since she'd reformed Discord, she'd found herself having feelings for the Spirit of Chaos. Feelings that couldn't be explained by mere friendship. Maybe... love. But wasn't falling in love with the Spirit of Disharmony a quick way to end up with a broken heart? Could he possibly return her feelings? 

"YES! HE TOTALLY DOES! TELL HIM, FLUTTERSHY!" 

Fluttershy stared in bemusement as a certain pink pony bounced up and down next to her. "Pinkie? When did you get here?" 

"Just now, silly!" 

"But... how did you know I was thinking about my feelings for Discord?" 

"Because I read the summary and it said Fluttercord! Also, the category says M/F and the relationships say Discord/Fluttershy! That means the two of you are destined to be together in this story cause the writer said so!" 

Fluttershy blinked. "That doesn't even make any sense..." 

"That's okay, things don't have to make sense! Why don't you tell him right now?" 

At that point Discord appeared. " _Buongiornio_ , my little ponies! How are my favorite diminutive equines today?" 

" _Tell him_ ," Pinkie said in what was supposed to be a stage whisper, except it was rather louder than that. 

"Oh, I couldn't... I mean... eep..." 

"My dear Fluttershy." Discord reached down and lifted Fluttershy's chin so she was looking up at him. "Can it be true that you've actually fallen in love with  _me_? The God of Chaos? Why, I don't look anything at all like a pony, and I'm completely insecure about it! I'm a hideous, monstrous creature! How could any pony possibly care about me?" 

"I care about you," Fluttershy said, fluttered up to him and kissed him. 

Discord swept her into a close embrace. "Oh, my dearest Fluttershy!" He turned to Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie, be a dear for me and see if the rating is Mature or Explicit? Also is there a tag for sex?" 

"Nope! Teen and Up, and the tags are just Romance, Comedy and Random!" 

"Oh. Pity that. My darling, we will have to consummate our passionate and newly formed romance offstage so that the audience can't see!" 

"What?" Fluttershy said. 

"Never mind. Shall we go, my sweet? I have dozens of roses and a diamond ring and all  _sorts_  of completely traditional, non-chaotic, thoroughly expected signs of my affection to give you!" 

"Um, yay?" 

With that, Fluttershy and Discord disappeared together in a flash. In front of Pinkie Pie there was a giant milkshake glass, taller than she was, with a lengthy bendy straw hanging out of it. It was full of chocolate milk, with a large dollop of whipped cream on top. In flashing neon lights, the side of the milkshake glass said, "Thanks for checking the summary for me, Pinkie, you're a true pal." 

Pinkie sighed deeply. "Chocolate milk with whipped cream. Nirvana!" 

At that point a random brony stepped out of the Everfree Forest and said "Wow, aren't you Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony?" 

_*fwwwt*_


	5. Spike the Magic Dragon

OPENING SHOT: SPIKE, sitting in library, reading a book. Looks up startled as disembodied voices begin to sing. 

VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea  
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee 

SPIKE: I _what?_

VOICES: Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Spike,  
And brought him strings and sealing wax and a seven speeded bike, oh 

SPIKE: Uh... no, no he didn't! Cause I never met the guy! And also I don't even like strings or sealing wax... though I wouldn't mind a bike. 

VOICES: Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail  
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Spike's gigantic tail 

SPIKE: Um, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but... are you high? 

VOICES: Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came,  
Pirate ships would lower their flag when Spike roared out his name. oh! 

SPIKE: Ok, very funny, whoever is behind this prank... ha ha, but it's getting old now. 

VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea  
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee 

SPIKE: You said that already... still not true. 

VOICES: A dragon lives forever but not so little boys  
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys 

SPIKE: What's a little boy anyway? For that matter who _are_ you? Twilight, is this some weird spell of yours gone wrong? 

VOICES: One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more  
And Spike that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar. 

SPIKE: Hello... I'm still a kid here... 

VOICES: His head was bent in sorrow, purple scales fell like rain,  
Spike no longer went to play along the cherry lane. 

SPIKE: Oh my Celestia that's depressing. Hey, if you're going to sing a song about me in the future or something, could you maybe sing it about me being a big hero, not getting all depressed because some friend of mine died? Also, what is a boy? 

VOICES: Without his life-long friend, Spike could not be brave,  
So Spike that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh! 

SPIKE: You are depressing me. 

VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea  
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee 

SPIKE: Wait, what? First I'm all depressed because my friend died and then I'm frolicking again? What, am I supposed to go senile or something? 

VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea  
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee 

SPIKE: It's Equestria! And I don't live anywhere near the sea! I never even heard of this Honah Lee place! 

VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea  
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee 

SPIKE: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! 

SPIKE fires a burst of flame at nothing in particular. 

ENTER DR. TRAN, a small human male with very small eyes, dark hair and golden tan skin, wearing a green sweater. 

DR. TRAN: I see the voices get you too? They never stop bothering me. Even when I go with my friend Leland's crazy grandma to Toy Store, stupid voices still tell me about future like it's happening right now. I going to be completely insane! 

SPIKE: Who are you? 

NEW VOICE: He's _Dr Tran!_ America's top secret agent! He has a Ph. D. in _kicking your ass!_

DR. TRAN: I a five year old boy from Vietnam. Don't listen to stupid voices, they liars. 

SPIKE: So you're a boy? 

DR. TRAN: Uh-huh. 

SPIKE: Do you know a boy named Jackie Paper? 

DR. TRAN (sighs) You listening to voices! Never do that! They make you insane! 

VOICES: Little Dr. Tran loved that rascal Spike,   
And brought him gems and other things and maybe finally that bike 

DR. TRAN: I _do not_! I just met him! 

SPIKE: Do you actually have a bike? Or gems? 

DR. TRAN: _NO!_

SPIKE: Well, excuse me for asking. 

_*fwwwt*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puff the Magic Dragon written by the band Peter, Paul and Mary.
> 
> Dr. Tran by Lone Sausage; this parodies the episodes "Here Comes Dr. Tran" and "Mr. Tran and the Toy Cack".


	6. The Other Kind of Griffins In Equestria

A small white colt with no mane, wearing a red shirt, appears without warning on the outskirts of Ponyville, holding a strange box. 

The colt looks around himself. "Hmm. A nice enough place, it seems... but somehow I've turned into a horse in this dimension!" 

A booming male voice says, "Actually, I think that's a pony." 

The colt looks around himself. "Brian? Brian, is that you? Brian, where are you?" 

"Stewie. Look up," Brian says. 

Stewie looks up... and up... and up... tracking the enormous form of the gigantic white dragon that his friend has transformed into. 

"Hey, Stewie. How about giving me that box? This place seems kind of cool!" 

"No," says Stewie, and presses the button. The colt and the dragon vanish. 

_*fwwwt*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stewie and Brian Griffin from Family Guy. This parodies the episode "Road to the Multiverse", and also the Equestria Girls movies where Twilight turns into a human and Spike into a dog.


	7. Princess Celestia Bucks A Foal Into Orbit

In the middle of a street in Canterlot, Princess Celestia smiles at her subjects, until she encounters a baby carriage. She looks both ways, observes that no one is paying attention... and bucks the baby carriage into orbit. The foal sails off with a thin, receding wail. 

_*fwwwt*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the Robot Chicken skit in the pilot episode where Al Franken punches a baby.


	8. Sweetie Bell Gets Her Cutie Mark

Sweetie Belle was folding the laundry when a flash appeared on her side. She looked back at her flank. 

"I got my Cutie Mark! I got my Cutie Mark!" 

She ran to Rarity. "Rarity, I got my Cutie Mark!" 

"How wonderful! What is it?" 

Rarity inspected the image, which appeared to be a folded pile of laundry. Sweetie Belle craned her head back to see it. "It looks like... a pile of folded laundry?" 

"Yes, that does appear to be what it is." Rarity placed her hoof on her sister's shoulder. "Your special talent is to fold laundry, Sweetie Belle." 

"Well, this sucks," Sweetie Belle grumbled. 

_*fwwwt*_


	9. Luna the LUMBERJACK

Princess Luna, in full regalia, strides out onto a stage, followed by the Mane 6. 

Luna cries out in an impassioned voice, "We never truly wished to be Princess of the Night! We wished to be... A LUMBERJACK!" 

Cue the music! 

LUNA (sings): I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay  
I work all night and I sleep all day 

MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack and she's okay  
She works all night and she sleeps all day 

LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I eat my lunch  
I go to the lavat'ry  
On Wednesdays I go to Ponyville  
And party with Pinkie 

MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she eats her lunch  
She goes to the lavat'ry  
On Wednesdays she goes to Ponyville  
And parties with Pinkie 

PINKIE (jumps out of the group and directly into the camera for a moment): That's me! 

LUNA)/MANE 6 (sings): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay  
(I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! 

LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I fly loop-de-loops  
I lie back and gaze at stars  
I dress up in tarty clothing  
And hang around in bars 

MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she flies in loops  
She lays back to gaze at stars  
She.. dresses in tarty clothing  
And hangs around in bars?? (LOOKING AT EACH OTHER IN PUZZLEMENT) 

(LUNA)/MANE 6 (RECOVERING, SINGING CHEERFULLY): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay  
(I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! 

LUNA (sings): I cut down trees  
I wear short skirts  
Socks and underwear  
I wish I'd been a human  
With tits way out to there (GESTURES WITH HOOVES) 

MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack... what? (NO LONGER SINGING) 

RAINBOW: Did she just actually say "tits"? 

FLUTTERSHY: Oh dear... 

RARITY: Socks and _underwear?_ (FAINTS) 

APPLEJACK: Oh _hayll_ no! (STOMPS OFF STAGE) 

TWILIGHT (horrified): Oh, Princess! I thought you were so _innocent!_ (RUNS AWAY CRYING) 

(Pan to side, where we see DISCORD, leering, running a camera.) 

DISCORD (GLEEFULLY): Luna! Do go on! 

CELESTIA (HITS DISCORD ON HEAD WITH FRYING PAN): No one leers at my sister! Even if she is a tart! 

DISCORD (DIZZILY): Blueberry or blackberry? (FALLS OVER) 

_*fwwwt*_


	10. Read It! Starring Cheese Sandwich

Read It! (Starring Cheese Sandwich)

CHEESE SANDWICH appears on stage, with accordion. Backup singers behind him are Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Zecora. On other instruments, the backup band consists of Octavia on fiddle, Vinyl Scratch on soundboard, Lyra Hearthstrings on piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying and failing to get their cutie marks on drums. 

CHEESE (dancing as he plays accordion): 

How come you're always such a fussy young brony  
You're so picky 'bout the fanfics from My Little Pony  
Well don't you know that authors get to feeling kinda lonely  
So read it  
Just read it 

PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Ooo! 

CHEESE: 

Don't wanna argue I don't wanna debate  
Don't wanna hear about what kind of fics you hate  
Karma's gonna get you if you don't bother to rate  
So read it  
Just read it 

CHEESE (scowls into camera): 

Don't you tell me it sucks! 

CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA:  
Just read it, read it, read it, read it  
Find an author's ego and feed it  
Have some more random starring the Pie (PINKIE waves arms wildly)  
It doesn't matter if the grammar makes you cry  
Just read it, read it, read it, read it 

CHEESE: 

Your reading manners are just awful! Hot damn,  
You haven't even left a single comment, man  
How can you be so cold if you call yourself a fan?  
Go read it  
Just read it 

You better listen, cause I don't wanna scold  
So many stories out there that just gotta be told  
Just remember how much you sucked when you yourself were twelve years old  
So read it  
Just read it 

PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Now! 

CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: 

Just read it, read it, read it, read it  
Set a comment quota and meet it  
Have some more grimdark, have some more HiE  
Even if the wall'o'text makes you wanna die  
Just read it, read it, read it, read it  
Don't you make me repeat it  
Read Alicorn OCs, read Gary Stu  
It doesn't matter if the plot smells like poo  
Just read it read it read it read it 

Read it read it read it read it 

(CHEESE and PINKIE dance, CHEESE playing the accordion still, PINKIE performing a kazoo solo) 

CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: 

So read it, read it, read it, read it  
Stick your butt into a chair and seat it  
Read about background ponies, read about the Mane 6  
There's nowhere else better to get your pony fix  
So read it, read it, read it, read it  
Read it read it read it read it

TWILIGHT (disapprovingly): That's all very well and good, but ninety percent of all fanfics totally suck. 

CHEESE: Ninety percent of everything sucks! Just read it! 

(PINKIE and CHEESE toss fanfics at TWILIGHT, who desperately tries to catch all of them with her magic and read them all, as they dance around her singing) 

Come on, read it, read it, read it, read it  
Don't you make me repeat it (Oh Celestia!)  
Have some crossovers, have Five Score By Four  
Have some clopfics, then go surfing for more  
Just read it read it read it read it  
Read it read it read it read it 

_fwwwt_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parody of "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic.
> 
> Actually, I am both a fussy reader and a fussy eater. I just thought this would be funny.


	11. The Real Reason Discord Turned Evil

This was going to be the _best night ever_ , thought the teenage draconequus, with hearts and stars sparkling in his eyes (literally). He had had some difficulty getting a tux to rent in his size, so he'd had to make his own, but he thought the pink and blue had more pizzazz than a typical black and white tux anyway, and he thought the corsage of flowers that played music was a nice touch. 

Sweating slightly, he teleported to Celestia's bedroom door, bypassing all the annoying guards who probably would try to keep him out, and knocked loudly. 

And then knocked again. 

And then manufactured a number of hands, feet, hooves, paws, claws, and tentacles to continue to knock on the door , incessantly, until his date for the prom finally opened the door. 

Discord had a speech prepared for this, but the beauty of Celestia in her prom dress, with her mane styled perfectly and glittering gemstones hanging from her ears, caused him to completely lose track of what he was going to say. "My beet swootiful Celestia! I, uh, I'm here, and you're here, and we're both here, so, um, that prom! Yes! The one that we were going to go to!" 

"Oh, um—" Celestia coughed. "Discord, I'm so terribly *cough cough* sorry, but I've just suddenly gotten *cough cough* sick! With, um—" Her entire white-coated body suddenly turned blue. "With the blue flu! *cough cough* It's, um, very contagious, so I *cough* can't go with you!" 

Discord stared at her in utter shock, his dreams of the most perfect night ever breaking. But of course it wasn't Celestia's fault that she was sick. "Oh, you poor thing! I could come in and help take care of you—" 

"Oh no *cough cough*, I wouldn't want you to get sick! *cough* Luna's taking care of me. *cough* Because she's *cough cough* blue already, so she can't get the blue flu!" 

"I could turn myself blue, would that protect me? And look, my tux is blue!" 

"No, *cough* only a naturally blue coat protects you *cough cough* from the blue flu. But *cough* I'm so sorry I'm going to *cough cough* make you miss the prom! *cough* Maybe you could come by *cough cough* in a few days when I'm better, and we could, um, *cough* go hang out in the woods? Where, um, it's private and nopony will see us together *cough* I mean because privacy is romantic, right?" 

"I—um—yes, of course, that sounds, uh, great. I—I'll see you in a few days." 

He reappeared at his home, all by himself, in the middle of nowhere, because that's angsty and tragic. "I was really looking forward to going to the prom," he said sadly, tossing the flower corsage on the floor, where it turned into a mound of ants that immediately began scurrying off to go found a new colony in his pantry. All the ponies at high school that teased him about being an ugly draconequus and having no friends would see that he _hadn't_ brought Celestia as his date to the prom, as he'd said he would, and laugh at him. If he managed to find some filly willing to go with him at the last possible second, which seemed really unlikely even for the Master of Chaos, then they'd laugh because he brought a date who wasn't Celestia after he'd been bragging that she'd agreed to go with him, and if he didn't go at all, they'd know he couldn't find a date. 

Hmm. He thought about that. One of the rules of the prom was that you couldn't go if you didn't have a date. But he was Discord, and he didn't play by the rules. He grinned to himself. He'd go anyway, invisible, and watch everything. Then he'd claim tomorrow that he'd been to the prom with Celestia and the reason no one saw him was that he and she spent most of their time in the coat closet making out. And he'd know about everything that happened at the prom, so he could prove he'd been there! 

Perfect. 

  

Proms were unbelievably boring, it turned out. 

All the ponies he hated from school were there, milling about and having inane teenage conversations. He longed to spice things up, maybe change the punch to something more _interesting_ , or unleash a bunch of rats into the middle of the dance floor, or make the chaperone, old Miss Dried-Up Pruneface (this was actually her name), suddenly start dancing the tango instead of sneering at fillies whose hemlines were too short and demanding that they submit to her magical dress alterations. But there would be time for that later. If he did it now, he'd prove he was here, but then the ponies would start looking for him and Celestia and too many of them were sober for that. If he did it later, he'd prove he was here, and the fact that none of them would be able to find him would have more to do with the fact that a veritable plethora of them would be too busy making out in coat closets with _their_ significant others, and many of the rest would be drunk after some prankster who wasn't him inevitably spiked the punch. (Discord never did anything so jejune and boring as putting alcohol in the punch. He'd never need to; somepony would always do it for him. His idea for the punch had revolved around hot sauce.) 

And then a pony who looked startlingly like Celestia arrived, accompanied by that jerkface Prince Sombra. 

Wait a minute. That was Celestia. 

She was wearing the dress he'd helped her pick out (well, that he'd accompanied her to pick out anyway; she hadn't taken any of his ideas), her mane styled just as he'd seen it an hour ago, and she was laughing and smiling and most certainly not coughing. And she was not blue. 

Prince Sombra said something stupid, and Celestia giggled. "Oh, Sombra! You have such a sense of humor!" 

Sense of _humor?_ That was what Celestia always said she liked most about _him!_

Discord materialized in front of her in a rage. "Blue flu, Celestia?" 

She gaped at him. "D—Discord!  What are you doing here?" 

"I could ask the same of _you_ , _Princess_ Celestia," he sneered. "You told _me_ you were sick with the blue flu!" 

Sombra had the nerve to laugh. "The – the blue flu?" he chortled. "And you _believed_ her? There's no such thing as the blue flu!" 

"I – uh, I was just feeling nervous –" 

"Oh, no, _Princess_ , I see how it is," Discord spat. "You could have just said ‘no' when I asked you out, but instead you string me along, pretend you'll be my date, then beg off sick so you can go with some jerkface unicorn instead. What's the matter, was it too embarrassing to imagine being seen with me? Am I too ugly for you?" 

"Um, well... frankly, yes," Celestia said. "I like you a lot as a friend, Discord, but, um, you're not exactly a pony, and well, I'm just not attracted to you..." 

"Then why were you willing to make out with me in the woods all those times?" 

Celestia turned red. "I was experimenting! I'm a teenage filly, I've got hormones! Besides I wanted to let you down easy!" 

"Wait, you made out with him?" Sombra said, startled. "You never even let me get to second base!" 

"Well, because you and I might get married!" Celestia said. "I didn't want you to think I was fast!" 

"You'd better be fast," Discord snarled at her, and threw a pie in her face. Strawberry rhubarb, her least favorite flavor. 

Rhubarb, and strawberry, dripped all over her expensive, fancy new dress. Celestia's face contorted with rage, and while Discord was giggling at how stupid she looked with the strawberry rhubarb plastered all over her face, she fired a bolt of magic at him, throwing him into the punch bowl. It crashed over his head, drenching him with punch that hadn't even been spiked yet. All around, ponies stopped what they were doing to stare, point, and laugh hysterically. 

Discord got to his feet, slowly. "Stand me up for the prom, will you? Dump me for some loser unicorn, will you? _Ruin_ my _tux?_ Oh, Celestia, you don't know what you've started, my _dear."_ He began cackling maniacally, throwing his mismatched hands out as the ceiling transformed into thick pink stormclouds. "From this point forward, chaos will _reign free_ all over Equestria! I will be your _DOOM!_ Hahahahahahahaha!!!" 

* * *

Fluttershy stared at Discord as he got to this point in his story. "Um... are you saying you turned evil because Princess Celestia stood you up at the prom? Isn't that... um... totally lame? Not that that's so bad or anything..." 

"I was young!" Discord said defensively. 

_*fwwwt*_


	12. Apple Bloom Can Change

"Ah am _tired_ of your irresponsibility, young filly!" Applejack shouted at her sister. "You took our cart for market day and tried ta turn it into some kinda Ah don't even know what—" 

"We were hoping to get cutie marks in building parade floats!" Apple Bloom protested. "We didn't mean for the cart to get all smashed up!" 

"You fillies ruined all of Rarity's perfumes—" 

"Um, yeah. Cutie Mark Crusaders Perfume Mixers didn't work out real well, I admit—" 

"You _nearly burned down Sugarcube Corner—_ " 

"But Pinkie Pie said it was ok for us to try to get our cutie marks in baking!" 

"She didn't say it was okay to try to bake _explosives_ into the cupcakes!" 

"It was just fireworks..." 

"Ah have had it up to _here_ with your shenanigans, young missy! Over and over again you and your friends near-on wreck Ponyville, and all you ever have to say for yourself is ‘Ah'm sorry, sis, we were jest tryin' ta get our cutie marks! Well, you don't get to wreck everypony _else's_ life jest because you want ta get yer cutie marks, ya understand?" 

"I—I understand, sis." Apple Bloom tried not to cry. 

"Ah don't even know why Ah bother. We have this argument again and again and you never change yer ways. Ah'm beginning to think you _can't_ change, Apple Bloom." 

"I can! I can so!" Apple Bloom wiped her hoof across her face, blotting away the tears. "Give me a chance, sis! Let me show you how I can change!" 

"Oh, this had better be good," Applejack said. 

A strange sound filled the air. The sound of whirring gears and clanking motors. Before Applejack's horrified eyes, the small pony in front of her morphed, transforming with the sound of clanging metal into a tall bipedal robot. "See! I can change!" the Apple Bloom robot pleaded. 

"Oh, Ah am so outta here," Applejack muttered, and stormed off. 

Apple Bloom called after her sister, pleadingly, "I can turn into a boombox as well!" 

_*fwwwt*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parody of a skit from the Mr. Hell Show.


	13. What Could Go Wrong? Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo

"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" 

"I don't know about this," Spike moaned. 

Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell.  Nothing seemed to happen at all. 

"Huh. Why didn't it work?" 

"Um, Twilight? You might want to see this." 

Twilight looked at where Spike was looking. On her flank, instead of sparkling stars, there was now a neatly folded pile of laundry. 

"Well, buck." 

_*fwwwt*_


	14. SHADOW MALEFICENT STARBLADE!

The long-lost brother of Celestia and Luna! A black alicorn with a red mane like _fire!_ The fire he wields as his power... along with shadows! And starblades! 

Shadow Maleficent Starblade! 

Banished to the most hellish of all possible worlds, crueler and more dangerous than even Tartarus – _Earth!_ Where he has been living in the suburbs, an empty life devoid of magic, with parents who don't understand him and no girlfriend and classmates who taunt him for being a brony! 

Until one day – _one day_ , he remembers his true destiny! 

* * *

Shadow transports himself to the Everfree Forest and takes back his true form! 

Suddenly he finds a manticore, a hydra and a timberwolf all chasing after Fluttershy! It seems as if the poor yellow pegasus is doomed, until _Shadow Maleficent Starblade_ steps in, and with one swoop of his mighty starblade, decapitates the manticore, the timberwolf, and all of the heads of the hydra, at once! 

"My hero!" Fluttershy says, clinging to him. 

Suddenly Shadow senses a great disturbance in magic, because that's another one of his powers. 

With one flap of his mighty black wings, he teleports to Ponyville, in a ring of fire! _Black_ fire! With red highlights! Just like him! 

The magical spell Twilight Sparkle is trying to perform has gotten away from her! Her eyes have turned glowing and silver, and she's floating in mid-air, screaming, as energy crackles all around her! She's going to overload! 

But not while _Shadow Maleficent Starblade_ is in town! 

With one wave of his mighty horn, which is black, but glows red, he draws the magic away from Twilight and pulls it into himself, where he absorbs it completely! Twilight is saved! 

"My hero!" she says dreamily, clinging to him. 

"Um, no, he was my hero first," Fluttershy says. 

Twilight glares. "But he's an alicorn and I'm an alicorn! We're meant for each other!" 

But there's no time to waste with pointless catfighting between best friends! Suddenly a scream rings out! It's Rarity's voice. The Carousel Boutique is on fire! 

With one gallop of his mighty hooves, _Shadow Maleficent Starblade_ finds himself at the Carousel Boutique. Rarity is trapped on the upper floor as the flames roar. "Help me! Somepony help me!" 

Never fear, Rarity! With a flap of his mighty wings _and_ a glow from his mighty horn, Shadow uses his power over flames to control the flames and douse them, saving her and all of her merchandise as well! Rarity leaps into his hooves because he just happened to be rearing up on his hind legs. "My hero!" 

"We were here first," Fluttershy and Twilight say. 

But Rarity is nothing if not generous! "My dear friends, why don't we share him?" she asks. 

"Yes! Let's have a herd!" Twilight says. 

"Yes, let's!" Fluttershy says. 

Then they all hear a scream. Rainbow Dash is falling! She must have broken her wing, somehow! 

Despite the fact that he has three mares clinging to him, _Shadow Maleficent Starblade_ leaps into the air and catches the falling cyan rainbow-maned mauve-eyed rainbow-becutiemarked brash pegasus. "My hero!" Rainbow Dash says. 

Then Pinkie Pie leaps toward them. "Oh my gosh a new pony in Ponyville and he's so handsome what's your name stranger I need to make friends with you and also throw you a party and also join in with my friends' herd and make sweet love to you all night with whipped cream!" 

"My name," says Shadow Maleficent Starblade, "is Shadow Maleficent Starblade." 

"Oh, how exotic!" Rarity swoons. 

"You're such a good flyer!" Rainbow Dash says. 

"And so good with magic!" Twilight says. 

"And so heroic!" Fluttershy says. 

"Well, hay with it, guess Ah'm gonna go for a piece of that action too," Applejack says, and throws herself into the pile of mares on Shadow. 

At this point Luna and Celestia teleport in front of the group! 

"Oh, sister, can it be?" Luna asks. 

"I cannot imagine there being another red and black alicorn prince with such amazing skills!" Celestia says. "It must be our long-lost brother, _Shadow Maleficent Starblade!"_

"Yo," Shadow says, and punches his sisters, because he's cool and manly like that. They giggle. 

"Oh, Shadow, it is you!" Luna says. 

"Welcome home, dear brother!" Celestia says. "Now that you are back, Luna and I can abdicate as the diarchs of Equestria and yield to you as our rightful King and Ruler!" 

"Does that mean we are _herding with the king of Equestria?_ " Rarity shouts, and then faints again. 

At this point Discord appears! 

"I'm here to say something snide and nasty," Discord says, "because that's what I do in stories like this." 

"Not so fast, villain!" Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, and punches Discord. 

Even though Discord can teleport, move the sun and the moon at will, invert gravity, split his head in half, remove his body parts, and change his size, he is helpless to stop Shadow Maleficent Starblade from utterly beating the crap out of him with his mighty hooves and his mighty wings and his mighty horn and his mighty starblade! But not the other mighty part of him, because that would totally be gay. 

"Please!" Discord snivels. "Please don't kill me!" 

"Well, I really want to," Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, "but since my sisters have begged me to show you mercy, I will spare you, if you lick my hooves." 

So Discord licks Shadow Maleficent Starblade's hooves. Which Shadow doesn't even enjoy one bit, because he is totally not gay. 

However, seeing Shadow's magnificent hooves being licked has made the Mane 6 incredibly horny! So now they pull Shadow toward the Carousel Boutique, which has the best collection of sex toys, making seductive moans. The mighty part of Shadow that he didn't actually use to beat up Discord stirs to life at the sound of the seductive moaning! Fortunately Shadow has the stamina of a thousand stallions and will have no trouble pleasuring six mares until they swoon from delight, all night long! 

At this point Big Mac appears, with a shotgun, and blows Shadow Maleficent Starblade's mighty head off. 

"Another alicorn OC?" he grumbles. "Thought we sprayed for those varmints jest last week." 

_*fwwwt*_


	15. Twilight, I Am Your Mother

"You will never defeat me, Twilight Sparkle!" Nightmare Moon sneered at Twilight. 

"I will! For Princess Celestia!" Twilight shot back. 

Nightmare Moon laughed. "You ridiculous foal. Once you know the truth that Celestia hid from you, you won't even want to fight me!" 

Twilight blinked. "Princess Celestia never hid the truth from me!" 

"Didn't she? What did she tell you about what happened to your mother?" 

"Wait, what does my mother have anything to do with this?" 

"Twilight, _I AM YOUR MOTHER!_ " 

Twilight stared at Nightmare Moon in disbelief. "Oh, come on, now, am I expected to buy that?" 

"Search your heart!" Nightmare Moon said. "You know this to be true!" 

"I know this to be one of the oldest cliches in the book!" Twilight said. 

"Actually," Pinkie said, "it just dates back to the 80's when _The Empire Strikes Back_ came out!" 

"Ok, but still, that's pretty old," Twilight said. 

"What, and eternal night is fresh material?" Nightmare Moon said. "I have to work with what I've got! Now join me, in the dark side of the... darkness!" 

"You girls getting all this?" Twilight asked her friends. 

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Totally lamesauce. ‘Dark side of the darkness?' Isn't it supposed to be the dark side of the moon?" 

"Well, um, there's no dark side of the moon, really," Fluttershy said. "As a matter of fact, it's all dark." 

"Why, Fluttershy!" Rarity said. "I would never have guessed you to be a Pink Floyd fan!" 

"How in the hay is Twilight supposed to believe you're her mom when you've been on the moon a thousand years?" Applejack asked. "Ah know you like to throw the word ‘foal' around a lot, but seriously, Your Highness, we weren't born yesterday. And ain't none of us born a thousand years ago, neither." 

"I don't know how it happened!" Nightmare Moon said. "Just go with it!" 

"Um, no," Twilight said. "I have a better idea. How about we use the Elements of Harmony and defeat you?" 

" _NOOOOOOOO!_ " 

"Sheesh, you'd think we just told her that the special somepony she sacrificed herself to the dark side to save died because of injuries she caused, or something," Pinkie said. 

_*fwwwt*_


	16. Fluttershy and Discord Take Over Equestria

"Fluttershy, I'm so bored," Discord whined, hanging upside down from Fluttershy's ceiling with a teacup in hand. "Nopony ever lets me do anything fun!"

"Um, well, there was something I was thinking we might do together?" Fluttershy murmured. "Only if you'd like to, of course."

Discord righted himself and poofed into a chair. "You have an idea? Let me guess, figure skating!" Shining, spangly skates appeared in his paw, as a skater's outfit materialized on his body.

"Oh, no, no, that, I mean, we could fall in the ice cold water and drown, or disturb the little fishies sleeping under the ice, and it's so cold. No, no, I wouldn't want to do _that._ "

"Hmm. Perhaps... bowling?" Now he was holding a bright yellow bowling ball with butterfly-shaped holes. 

"Oh, bowling just seems so _violent._ I always feel so sorry for the poor pins," Fluttershy said.

"Well, what did you have in mind then, my dear?"

"Well..." She ducked her head, shyly, her face almost disappearing under her mass of mane. "I was thinking... only if it's not too much trouble... it might be a little bit fun to take over Equestria?"

* * *

Cut to Fluttershy standing on Princess Celestia's balcony, an alicorn's lengthy horn on her forehead and her long pink mane sparkling as it flows in the breeze. Directly behind her is Discord, petting a purple cat with darker purple and pink markings on her tail and the top of her head, and next to Fluttershy is a large bird cage, containing a white bird with magnificent pastel rainbow plumage on its head, and a dark blue bird with a pale blue headcrest. The birds are tweeting at her aggressively, but Fluttershy ignores them.

"Well, go on," Discord says. "You're the ruler of Equestria now. Give them a speech!"

"Oh, no," Fluttershy whimpers. "I didn't know taking over Equestria meant I had to give _speeches!_ "

* * *

A disgruntled Celestia is reading a letter.

_Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that with great power comes great responsibility. Just because I can tell Discord to take over Equestria for me doesn't mean I actually want to do the work of ruling. Standing up in public in front of all those ponies... oh, that felt terrible. That's why I have had Discord turn you back into ponies and gave you Equestria back. But just remember that if the royal grants for Ponyville animal care get cut again... I'm still Discord's best friend. Sincerely, Fluttershy._

_*fwwwt*_


	17. Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that's not how her name's spelled. Just read it. :-)

Special Agent Lyra Harpstrings – aka Agent 444, because 4 is the Neighponese code for _death --_ drove the red convertible sports car down the highway at approximately 110 miles per hour, every so often turning her head to fire a bolt of magic at the thugs pursuing her. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat, the human secret agent Rock Hardt thrust his long, stiff weapon out the side of the convertible, spurting hot lead at their pursuers. "Lyra! They're still gaining on us!"

"Horsefeathers!" She pulled up a communication window on her dashboard. "W, the enemy are in hot pursuit! Have you got anything for us?"

The W department created all the inventions for Her Highness' Extradimensional Secret Service (or HHESS for short). W, the head of the department, appeared on the screen. He was a brown earth pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. Harpstrings knew his real name, but by regulation the code name for the head of the W department was always W (W stood for "What the hay is that thing?", which was usually what ponies not in the know said about W department's inventions.) "Agent 444, there's a pair of wings hanging from your rear view mirror, where you normally keep the fuzzy dice. See them?"

"Yes."

"Pull on them! That should help you out!"

"Lyra, they're getting closer!" Rock Hardt screamed.

"Here goes nothing!" Harpstrings pulled on the little wings hanging from the mirror. In an instant, the car grew wings and began to climb into the sky, like a pegasus. Soon the two agents had left their pursuit behind.

"Wow," Rock panted, "that was amazing, Lyra!"

"Not as amazing as you were, Rock," Harpstrings purred, and pulled him into a kiss.

For several minutes the two agents of different species made out passionately in the front seat of the red convertible, until finally it landed near the reactor. "Here's my stop," Harpstrings said.

"Right. You go and stop Dr. Nopony! I'll hold off the guards!" Rock said. 

"Right!" Harpstrings got out of the car and headed for the secret entrance to the reactor.

"Oh, and come back safe!" Rock shouted, and winked at her. "We've got unfinished business!"

"Believe me, I haven't forgotten," Harpstrings said in a sultry voice, then galloped to the secret entrance.

At the entrance she met Dick Longo, a human man in short, ripped jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to every muscled curve of his torso with sweat. He shook his head, letting his shaggy blonde locks fall out of his eyes. "Agent 444. I've been expecting you." His eyes traveled over her body. "I have to admit, I didn't expect the deadly agent 444 to be such an... _attractive_ mare."

"And I didn't expect our mole in Dr. Nopony's organization to be such a _handsome_ man," Harpstrings said. "Where's Dr. Nopony?"

"I can take you to her. She and her cat are in the control room."

Dick Longo used his ID to get himself and Harpstrings past all the base's traps. Harpstrings watched his fine, toned leg muscles and glutes flex in front of her as he moved. The human male body was so amazing, Harpstrings thought. "I have to thank you, Dick. With you helping out, this hasn't been hard at all!"

"Oh, I don't know," he said teasingly. "It seems _plenty_ hard from my end."

"Maybe my end just isn't aware of how hard it is for you," Harpstrings replied. "Maybe you'd better show my end your... perspective."

Dick grinned. "Maybe later," he said.

Soon Dick and Harpstrings were at the control room. Harpstrings entered with her horn lit up. "Freeze, Dr. Nopony!"

Dr. Nopony was a human woman, which was why she was called Dr. Nopony, because she wasn't a pony. She had pale white skin and long, luxuriant locks of shining indigo mane, or rather, what humans call _hair_ , and she was wearing an extremely fashionable dress. She was sitting in a chair, petting her white, fluffy cat. "Lyra Harpstrings. How good of you to come visit," she said.

And then Dick Longo put an antimagic ring on Harpstring's horn.

"What—" Harpstring heard many clicking sounds as the faceless thugs all over the control room pointed their guns at her, and she was helpless, unable to stop them without her magic. "NO! Dick, you traitor!"

"I'm not a traitor, I'm a spy," Dick said. "Your organization thought they could turn me, but my loyalty was really always to Dr. Nopony." He went over to the villain and kissed her in a passionate clinch, pressing her tall, beautiful body against his firm, strong torso. Harpstrings felt a surge of hatred and jealousy. Why did ~~mares~~ women like that get all the hot guys? 

"You see, Harpstrings?" Dr. Nopony giggled. "A little pony like you could never be good enough for a real man like my Dick, here. I can always count on my Dick to stand up for me whenever I need him." She kissed him again. "I'd kill you right this moment, but first I want to make you watch me enjoying my Dick. And then I'm going to set off the reactor in front of you and destroy all of this big human city we're in!"

"You monster!" Harpstrings said. "You'll never get away with this!"

"On the contrary, my dear, I already have," Nopony said, smirking. "Now watch me making kissyface with the man you wanted, and try not to let it get you too _hot_ under the collar... or anywhere else." She chuckled and turned back to Dick.

Harpstrings noticed that the soldiers holding their guns on her were actually all staring at Nopony and Dick Longo kissing, and not really looking at her. With a small stomp of her hoof, she activated another W invention – an inflatable hand, just like a human one, attached to her hoof like a sock. As soon as the hand had inflated, she reached up and easily plucked the ring off her horn with it.

"Hey, Nopony!" Harpstrings shouted. "I hear you're feeling _horny_. Well, so am I!"

Nopony turned, and gasped, seeing that Harpstrings' anti-magic ring was off. "Noooo!"

As Harpstrings fired a bolt of laser-like magic at Nopony, Dick Longo jumped in the way, protecting his boss... with his life. The bolt burned right through his heart.

"Well, he was a Dick, but his heart was in the right place," Harpstrings quipped. "Right in front of my magic."

"You'll never stop the reactor meltdown now!" Dr. Nopony cackled. Harpstrings looked up just in time to see her getting away on a gyrocopter she was pedaling rapidly. Harpstrings fired at her, but the gyrocopter was spinning wildly, so her bolts just kept hitting the structural supports. Within moments, Dr. Nopony was gone.

Harpstrings quickly killed all the goons in the room and trotted to the control panel. Reactor meltdown was imminent! There was only one thing to do. She pulled her final W invention out of her saddlebag – a magical crystal containing a miniature black hole – and tossed it into the reactor, where the radiation activated the crystal. Soon the entire reactor started to be pulled into the black hole. Harpstrings raced back the way she came, only blasting down doors with her horn instead of trying to stealthily slip through them, this time.

As soon as she got out, the entire building was sucked with a _shooop_ into the crystal. Rock Hardt, who by now had lost most of his clothes to random gunfire that had just ripped his clothing but hadn't actually hit him personally and was covered with sweat, ran over to her. "Lyra! You made it!"

"Of course I did," Harpstrings said, embracing him tightly. "After all—"

* * *

Bon Bon put the papers down. Eagerly, her roommate Lyra Heartstrings asked, "What did you think? It's not quite done, I still have to add the sex scene at the end—"

" _Sex_ scene?"

"Don't worry, it'll be tasteful."

"It's between a mare and a mythological alien monster, how's that ever going to be tasteful?"

"Okay, fine, but setting aside the sex scene I haven't written yet, what did you think?"

"This is the most unbearably trite and unrealistic portrayal of a secret agent I've ever seen." Bon Bon dropped the papers on the couch, hard. 

Lyra pouted. "Oh, like _you_ would know what being a secret agent is like?"

For some reason Bon Bon sweatdropped. "Uh... no! No, of course I don't know what being a secret agent is really like, not at all! It's not like I'm a secret agent myself or something, haha, that would be ridiculous!" She took a deep breath. "It's just that this story is _garbage_ , Lyra. I mean, this is the most transparent self-insert ever."

"It is not! See, her name is Harpstrings. _Harp_ -strings. And my name is Heartstrings. Totally different!"

Bon Bon facehooved. "You know what... fine. It's great. Publish it all over Equestria. If _Fifty Shades of Neigh_ can sell well, maybe you can sell this too."

"Yay! I knew you'd love it."

_*fwwwt*_


	18. A Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part Deux

A random brony addresses the camera.

"I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me!"

He is sitting on the ground in a meadow. The Mane 6 are surrounding him.

"What kind of a critter are you, sugarcube?" Applejack says.

Pinkie says, "He looks like a monkey! Except he doesn't have any fur on his body, just a mane!"

"His style in clothing is atrocious," Rarity said. "Look at the quality of that rag he's wearing... wait, is that a picture of _us?_ "

As the camera pans back, we can see that he is wearing a well-worn T-shirt with pictures of Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie on it.

"It totally is!" Rainbow Dash says. "I'm so awesome _monkey aliens_ wear clothes with pictures of me!" She dances around in mid-air, making foot motions that actually don't do much because she is hovering. "Go Rainbow, it's your birthday! Go Rainbow, it's your birthday!"

"It's not your birthday, Dashie," Pinkie says. "That's two months from now!"

Twilight says, "It's flattering, but why is a member of a species we've never heard of wearing clothes with pictures of me, Pinkie and Rainbow?"

"It's because in my dimension, you're all characters on a TV show!" Random Brony says excitedly. "Wow, this is so exciting! I'm actually in Equestria! Woo-hoo!"

"Um, what is TV?" Fluttershy asks. Quietly. Very quietly.

"Oh, um... it's like a play, or, or a movie! Except that the theaters are in everyone's houses, and small, like the size of—"

"A breadbox?" Pinkie interrupts.

"Yes, something like that, and we beam the movie to everyone's house, kind of like the way telegrams are sent, and then everyone watches it at the same time! Well, unless they're streaming off Netflix or they've pirated it or got it on DVD... but none of that's important."

"And you're a fan of this TV?" Twilight asks.

"I love your show! I love all of you! My Little Pony changed my life!" He tries to hug them but they dodge backwards, except for Pinkie, who he squeezes hard enough that she briefly turns blue.

"So if you love us all so dadgurn much, how come only Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie are on your shirt?" Applejack asks with her eyebrow raised.

"Well, the little girls who watch the show are mostly only into Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie. It's just us bronies who really care about all of the Mane 6!" he says proudly.

"The Mane 6? Is that what you call us?" Twilight says.

"Wait, wait a minute," Rainbow says. "Go back a bit. Did you just say little girls watch this show? Like, little fillies?"

"Yeah, the show was created for them but we bronies love it!"

"Is a brony your word for a stallion?" Twilight asks.

"It means a man, which is our word for a stallion, who loves My Little Pony!"

"Even though it's a show for little girls?" Rarity asks archly.

"Um... yes! Even though it's a show for little girls, it's still really good and—"

The Mane 6 start laughing hysterically and pointing at Random Brony with their hooves. "Hahaha! You like a girl show, you like a girl show!"

Tears fill the Random Brony's eyes. "You should be called the _Mean 6!_ " he shouts, and runs away to the sound of pony laughter.

_*fwwwt*_


	19. Irony

Pinkie Pie is sitting in a plush armchair, in a subdued-looking study with dark wood paneling, bookshelves full of books all around, and a fireplace with a roaring fire inside. She is wearing a monocle and a pencil-thin black mustache that droops off her face on either side, and smoking a pipe.

"Today we will discuss  'irony'," she says in a fake Trottingham accent. "Irony is a form of comedy based on violating expectations in a way that satisfies them. Or, to put it another way, the ironic event is one which, once it occurs, seems curiously fitting, although it could not have been predicted in advance. For instance, in the O. Henkeeper story _Gifts for Hearth's Warming_ , a poor mare shaves her mane and sells it as a wig to buy a gold chain for her husband to hang his watch on; meanwhile, her husband sells his beloved watch to buy a bejeweled mane clip for his wife. This turn of events was not predicted by either of them, but the sacrifices match each other, each giving up the thing they treasure to buy their partner an accoutrement for what the partner most treasures... which the partner has just sold to buy the corresponding accoutrement for them."

The camera swivels around to view the studio audience. The only member of the studio audience is Rainbow Dash, who is tied to a chair, struggling. "Let me out! This is torture!"

Back to Pinkie, who puffs on her pipe. "In the previous sketch we see an example of 'irony'. My friends and myself are characters on a quote unquote 'girly cartoon'; thus, the natural expectation would be that we would have high opinions of girly cartoons and value the opinions of those who appreciate them, and in particular, appreciate 'us'. However, on Earth, the subgroup of adult human males that proclaim themselves 'bronies' enjoy our adventures, on a girly cartoon, despite social pressure and opprobrium at the perceived low value of such cartoons to adults and to males and particularly to adult males. Thus, the previous skit creates a violation of expectations by having us, characters in a 'girly cartoon', denigrate an adult male human fan of ours as if we shared the same opinion of the appropriateness of such cartoons to adult men as his own society does."

Back to Rainbow Dash. "Discord and Pinkie, I am going to kill you both! Let me out of this thing!"

"Another example of irony is the fact that I myself, Pinkie Pie, have adopted a relatively low-key demeanor and am employing a much more complex vocabulary than is my usual wont, in order to discuss irony with you today. This creates humor because it violates expectations. One would normally—"

A talon taps her on her head. She turns. "Discord. Do you _mind?_ "

"I do mind, actually," Discord says crossly. He is wearing the exact same outfit as Pinkie. "Firstly, your impersonation of a pompous Trottingham lecturer isn't ironic at all. It violates expectations but not in a way that seems fitting in any regard. Secondly, _that's my chair_ , and those are my lines, and honestly, Pinkie, I said I just had to go to the bathroom and then we could get rolling! I didn't expect you to jump in my chair and start doing my show _without_ me!"

Pinkie grins. "And _that_ is why this is ironic," she says. "You see, this violation of expectations caused by the persona I've adopted is _actually_ due to the fact that I have played a prank on you, the Spirit of Chaos, and stolen your role while you were indisposed! By the way, why exactly were you in the bathroom for forty-five minutes?"

Discord scowls. "Oh, go play in traffic!" He taps her with his talon again, and she turns gray, her monocle and mustache vanishing. Her hair, however, remains poofy.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie hops off.

Back to Rainbow Dash. " _Discord!_ Lemme out of here or when I get out I'll kick you so hard your momma will feel it in her tummy!"

"I was laid in an egg," Discord retorts. He turns his chair so instead of being in front of the fireplace, he is now in front of a window. Discord sits down. "And that's all we have to say about irony this time, folks," he says. Behind him, through the window, we see Pinkie Pie cheerfully hopping over cars on a crowded city street, as ponies lean out their windows to shake their hooves at her and shout. "Tune in next time, when we discuss randomness!"

_*fwwwt*_


End file.
